What do I want to do?

What do I want to do?

Yesterday, I received an e-mail from the newspaper editorial for where I wrote every week. They were complain about my lack of focus in my writings and about the portuguese reviews of my text. This made me feel very sad and I started to think about all this questions I am writing below. This is not some new questions to me. I´ve been thinking about that for a while, but this pop up this thoughts again.

The question I am asking myself already has an answer for me and the answer is that I want to be a professor of theology in some university. This can be in Brazil or elsewhere. 

However, nowadays I´ve been studying a lot of things. I started a philosophy course in Brazil and I am still doing my phd in Theology, and despite this, I am studying english to improve my grammar skills and writing, which you who read this text can see it is not so good.

So, if I want to be a good theologian, who can teach in some university, what am I doing to be that?

I myself have a feeling that everything that I do, I don´t put so much effort in doing that. Because I want to finish what I started fast, very often I do what a need to do with little criteria and in the most of the time I have the feeling of a lack of quality in what I do. It is like a boy kicking some little rocks while he is walking on the street.

Talking with my psychologist, he asked me if I had a clue about this hurry and this is something that I am thinking about this week.

Sometimes, I feel that I should focus more on theology, because right now this is the thing that my heart beat strongly and I feel myself happy when I am studying and discussing about theological issues. 

At the same time, I don´t feel myself as a good theologian and I feel myself with a little knowledge about theological issues. And I would like to be good in the field that I study. In this sense, to kick little rocks on the street has to stop.

All this feeling I am putting here can be just a reflexion of a bad moment, but still it is something that I´m really need to solve to myself.